I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
you inspire me to be a worse person
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize