There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
