Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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