I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
