I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
