dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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