; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
