Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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