Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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