It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
