I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Randomize
