the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
