God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
