If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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