omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize