"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
