His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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