please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
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