i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
