Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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