Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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