I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Randomize
