Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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