Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
it wasn't lemon gatorade
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
