speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I want a musical about memes.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
