someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
