I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
