He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
