i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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