did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
