rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
