dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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