So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
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