i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
