No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
