Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Randomize
