when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
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