dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
