On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
