the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
