bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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