Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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