My hand turned me down
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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