You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
