I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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