I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
