i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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