I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
