I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
