then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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