I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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