Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
