my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
