The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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