Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
