Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
