Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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