you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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